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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
incredible book dedication
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.