I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
You Might Also Like
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Going to church you guys need anything
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Wait a minute…
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.