I’m having an out of money experience.
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Wait a minute
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.