How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.