Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.