Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
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Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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Me: Same