My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol