4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Why are bridges so flammable.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?