*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’d use my best pan on you.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.