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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
good let them take over I have had enough
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up