” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
You Might Also Like
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
good work, everybody
#Caturday
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.