Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha