[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis