BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Livid.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’m not stressed
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in