Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
(yawn)
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious