I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Leaving the Barbers like
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one