my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
One venti cheeseburger please.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”