Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.