Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.