Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Blew out my flip flop…
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before