please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The real reason evolution started..😂