Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
mentally somewhere in italy
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.