My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.