[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Breaking news:
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Doggies just call it style.