I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table