ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Risking my life for fun.