Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
my retirement plan is braless
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.