If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
what’s the point then??
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
This guy’s not having it 😆
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Worst Native American name ever.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date