I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
selfie game
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’