I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
man i love columbo
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her