“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.