My ideal weight is five million dollars
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
o shit
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.