Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
ouch
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.