The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct