I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.