Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.