A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
How can I say no to this ?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Good morning, Twitter x
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?