the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
You Might Also Like
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.