me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies