“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You Might Also Like
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go