me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Every time my phone rings
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump