[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
You Might Also Like
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?