I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours