I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed