My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
one of
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
i baked you a cake
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Accurate
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.