Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“i miss shittin on people”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.