My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears