Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
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Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right