When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War