me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?